twice

is the number of times my mother pulled over to cry/scream/critisize/repent her sins/beg for death on the 5 minute ride to her firends house for a lovely christmas dinner. she was very upset over the fact that my bother was not wearing nice pants. even though i, her daughter showed up wearing a tank top, no bra, old smelly boots and a glittery gold belt... not to mention my visible tattoos... but for some reason tony's jeans were an issue. poor guy. according to my mother our family is an embarressment and can't be taken out in public.


JUST STOP TRYING SO DAMN HARD. christmas is not about the clothes you wear. oh and upon our arrival we saw that our dinner host was wearing sweats. how's that for irony.


i ate too much. my mom and bother cried. i maintained my cool, chugged a class of wine and silently ate my dry ham and runny mashed potatoes. victoria occupied her time with text messages and sweet potato casserole.

christmas is such a disaster. skipping it next year.


i have a bottle of wine waiting for me now. probably going to get too drunk to remember my own name and pass out with cold knees on the floor and my head ever so gracefully resting on the toilet seat. i cleaned it yesterday for this sole purpose.

i'm not resurfaceing until new years. or until someone wants to take me out on a date.

it's christmas

merry fucking christmas everyone.
merry fucking christmas.


for me christmas means a few things.

first, it means waking up at the ass crack of dawn to open "gifts" at mt mom's. this year "gifts" consisted of 3 box's of swedish fish and a re-gifted gift certificate to crate and barrel. pretty excited about the gift card... but really mom? swedish fish... my all time favorite candy. that is what you are going to give your diabetic daughter for christmas? cool. my brother got deoderant, socks and some candy. my sister got about the same... of course we all get money, mine came last month to pay my rent with. all in all i think gift opening was a success. the siblings seemed to like the presents i got them. i'm a firm believer in having presents to unwrap on christmas morning. it just makes sense that way.

of course, next comes christmas breakfast. the main motivation for dragging my hungover ass out of bed was the promise of a home cooked meal. so i arraive at my moms house and my hopes were quickly dashed wheni realized that she had not started cooking anything and that she wasn't planning on cooking anything. i ate an old clementine out of the fridge and turned on a christmas story while i waited for my borhter to get out of bed so we could open the above listed presents. mom decided to go eat at waffle house, how festive.

next comes my favoirte part of chirstmas, or any holiday... mom crying. for no reason.

every fucking year. it never fails. she is so miserable.


i hate the holidays.

oh, flightless bird

like always, i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was check my phone. today i was lucky in the sense that my phone had actually stayed charged though the night and i had the delight of waking up to a text message. it was from my mother and it read:

"a little bird flew into a window it broke it's neck and my heart at the same moment, sadest thing i ever saw :("

my initial reaction of laughter was probably not appropriate, but i just kept thinking that couldn't possibly be the saddest thing my mother has ever seen and i found some humor in her melodramatic way of relating what she saw.

then i thought about how overcome with sadness i was the last time i saw a dead bird. i was with jessica, walking up the concrete stairs from the parking lot at nku by the art building. this poor little thing was pushed aside into the corner of a step where the fallen leaves had pilled up and started to decompose in that damp smelly leaf way. i don't know why, but we really felt bad for the little fallen bird, we talked about how he might have ended up dead and in a pile of leaves and how it didn't seem fair that this tiny bird had to die and then be trampled by endless hordes of college students. we decided to move him from the step and give him a sort of burial under a bush in the little garden close to where we found him. we said somehting about the bird that we thought was profound and meaningful and in some way could be applied to our human lives. i guess it wasn't that great though becuase i can't even remember what was said or ever which of us said it. something about the courage of the bird or bravery... and death. i don't know. either way, i ened up with a tear on my cheek and then we walked away and went to class; where i probably passed out on my notes and left an embarressing drool stain on my text book.

it's cold today, and grey. i'm trying to warm my hands on this giant cup of coffee beside me, but it's now just as cold as everything else. someone said somehting about the charm of all the old buidlings in covington and part of it being that they are cold in the winter and sweltering in the summer and no air circulates the right way... i don't see anything charming about frostbite or having to sleep in a winter coat, but to each their own.

blues-y baby.

sleepy baby hangover dream land

i love napping when i am hungover, i always fall into the most vivid dream land and wake up feeling amazing. today i fell asleep on the couch while watching the history chanel and woke up to the darkness sneaking in though my window. i had the most vivid dream where i was walking up to this huge, beautiful, and only slightly terrifying victorian style house with a huge fancy iron gate at the front of the long winding black driveway. i went though the gate and then magically was at the front door... i went inside and my family was there, but i couldnt' see anyones faces... just their bodies, legs and feet. everything was dim and foggy and even in my dream i remeber thinking "this all looks like a dream" oh, irony. but, that all doesn't really matter. my favorite part of the dream is wehn i left the house and was walking back down the driveway toward the big fancy gate. the driveway was in the middle of a big wooded area and it had just rained so everything was wet and drippy and there were puddles all along the driveway. i remember looking down at my feet and i wasn't wearing shoes, it looked like it should be cold, but i wasn't. i was just walking though this puddle staring at my feet and for some reason this was so calming and perfect. the water was splashing up and everything looked so vivid and i just woke up feeling so happy and free. i love that.


so, last night was pretty great. in fact...today has been pretty great too, even though i haven't done anything except nap :)

wen't out for 5 for 5 with my new found friend which was super fun, but i got a little excessive with my drinking. how could you not with 5 drinks for 5 bucks!? it just isn't a good idea...i love covington and it's bad ideas. woke up this morning and decided that the anchor grill was calling my name, something about a GLTE and dancing barbies just screams hangover cure. i wasn't too terribly concerned with being at work on time seeing as the sun was beating down on my hapy little head and the weather was beautiful, not to mention i had some pretty great company to pass the time with. it was super funny to see my new friend get so excited and amazed by the glorious anchor grill; it is truly a one of a kind little place that everyone should have to experience. yes, it is an experience. it is so hard to get motivated to do much of anything other then lay in bed and daydream on days like today. when i finally got back to my apartment to get ready for work, i located my cell phone which was lost the night before between couch cusions and listened to my messages and what do i hear?! my shift was cancelled! yippeeeeee. that means i got the whole day to nap and day dream and listen to good music and eat leftovers and milkshakes.

i'm happy that i'm happy today.

spread the cheer.

me being the punctual, never forgetting type i am missed my state traffic school tonight. instead of sitting though the dull rantings that are apparently for my own good and safety(for the second time) i sat though the saddest movie i have ever seen in my entire life. this was not a purposeful event, as i was completely terrified that along with my tags being expired i would now also have a suspended license. thankfully, the glorious state of kentucky allows puff brained girls like me to reschedule. once. only once. so, next time i will not be so absent minded about my appointment with the government. but, back to the movie with the very deceving title "Everyone's FIne". everyone is really not fucking fine. from the minute the film started to the time it finished i was a weeping idiot. it started as a sniffle and a little teary eye and progressed to full on bawling by the time the credits rolled. i couldn't even get it together before the lights came up and the seats emptied. i don't think many people know this about me, but i have a soft spot for sad lonely old men...which was the theme of this movie. of course, it had a nice ending and everything came together the best it could, but dear god! why, why put me though the emotional turmoil! i just kept thinking about my own father and our relationship and then that thought expanded to my mother and my grandparents and how i will never have a happy well adjusted family; and then the whole movie was revolving around christmas... i don't know about everyone else, but i tend to get pretty fucking depressed aroundt he holiday season. season of happiness my ass. more like season of longing for being a child again when the biggest dissapointment in your life was not getting the pretty pink barbie camper that you were dying to have, but didn't get...and to make matters worse your best friend got it and rubbed it in your face until you wanted to punch her pretty red head off her skinny little body. back in the day when the whole family crammed together at the dinner table and everything smelled like pine trees and the red gelatinous form we all loved as cranberry sauce. now i'm all grown up and my family is torn across a continent or dead and i can't even afford a christmas tree to decorate in my cold drafty apartment. oh well. the neibghors put up those super annoying multi colored blinking christmas lights all over their deck, which of course are blinking happily and obnoxiously right into my dirty bedroom window. i feel like the holiday season is mocking me right now and i blame all these emotions on this move. all in all it was a good movie...


i think maybe i need to get a wreath.

trash

is what i feel like today.


got talked into going into work tonight, which is where i am headed in about two minutes.



all i have to say is, go figure.

it makes me wonder

... but that would be vain.


been pretty sick the past few days. hoping to be in tip top shape so i can chow down on some turkey tomrrow... not likely. had some blood work done and my white count was at 2.5 or 2.3... we can go with 2.4 for good measure. normal is between 4 and 8. so, on top of everything it looks like my immune system is shot. i serously think it is lupus. at first i thought it was the flu, but i have been sickly just about all month. no cough, no sore throat, a touch of a runny nose (but, i think that is cincinnati allergies) basically my symptoms have been massive body aches and a fever; now my doc says my white count is down... awesome! my mo has lupus and it is genetic so it would make a whole hell of a lot of sense if i found out that is what it is. lucky me. first diabetes, now some other unknown ailment.


well, thanksgiving is tomorrow and i'm seriously wondering what i have to be thankful for. i guess this lovely, yet freezing, apartment. my friends and my ever grwoing collection of salt and pepper shakers. <3



today was not a good day.
looking forward to fantastic mr. fox tomorrow.


happy thanksgiving everyone!